So...now I have three kids. And they are three and under. And I've been thinking a lot about what life should look like for me. What does the "Christian life" look like, and how do I live out my passion for Jesus (instead of just talking about it)? With three kids.

My first conclusion is that there is no formula for success. I know that it requires a daily reliance on God and a constant state of neediness for his leading and guidance. But how do I do that? I have some pretty good obstacles standing in my way to the cookie cutter "daily devotions". I never get enough sleep, so if I have a few moments of stillness and silence I usually doze off. My kids wake up at random times, so getting up before them is not much of an option. I also have a hard time reading hose heavy theological books that bring my husband so much joy. We are so different in that way! He gets stimulated and excited when he reads them, I head towards the dozing off thing.

But I know that there must be a way to seek his face no matter what my life is like in this season! I am his, he has called me to this. He will be faithful to meet where I'm at. So how do I meet him? For me, it's in the small moments of gratefulness throughout the day. Choosing to rejoice instead of complain when my kids are whining and driving me crazy! (I can be grateful I have kids, and that God has given me the opportunity to bring them up in his ways!!)

It's also in the snippets of sermons I get to listen to throughout the day, if I remember to turn them on instead of the tv. It's in the phrase of music I hear in the background every once in a while when I have praise music shuffling. It's in the kid-interrupted conversations I get to have with my husband who earnestly seeks the Lord (and is awesome at expounding biblical truths!).

I still have to make choices. I still have to watch my heart. I am so prone to get caught up in MY things, in MY concerns. In STUFF and RIGHTS and all things temporal. God has been revealing some weaknesses to me lately. Things that inhibit my walk with him. Like how I store up bitterness towards my husband. It's all the little things, and me putting myself on the throne of my life. Oh, but he didn't apologize right, or he doesn't understand how hard this is for me, or he doesn't appreciate me when I did this for him. So self centered! But God had been showing me that I meditate on these things, on ungratefulness. How opposite of how we are called to live!

So mostly his post is to remind me of my weaknesses, and celebrate his faithfulness! He reveals it to me, and he is faithful to change it in me. Praise God.

Every few days I get to the point where I feel closer than I did before. Which of course translates to more discomfort, more contractions, lower baby, achy back, etc. Every few days I get to the point that I think "it must be soon! I can't get closer without being in labor!". And then I do. I go a few more days, get a little more tired, use some more of His grace. I am discouraged today. I am at that place thinking that it HAS to be close, but rationally knowing I have thought that before and been wrong. Trying, trying to trust his timing. He sent me a wonderful gift this weekend, my mom and sister came up for a visit, which I hadn't even realized I needed. And I am officially getting better after feeling horribly all weekend. So I am grateful. But I am ready for this phase in life to be over. However, it's when we beg for something from on high and feel the heavens are closed to our tears that we find whether or not we truly trust in the sovereign goodness of our God. I choose to believe, even when it hurts. And I praise you God, for whatever you're doing through this. There is so much more to life than ME.

This little one is messing with my mind. I have been having Braxton-hicks contractions for weeks, which is normal. I have about 5-10 in a day, moreso when I am active. But yesterday the contractions were different. More crampy, more in my back. And I literally had them all day, every 10-15 minutes, WAY more than normal. I thought for sure it would happen yesterday, or at least I would wake up in the middle of the night in good labor. But as of now, Monday evening, I am still pregnant. In fact, today I have had practically NO contractions at all!!! Talk about messing with my head. ;)

But praise God my amazing husband took me out for some amazing Joe T. Garcias, and a lovely walk in downtown Fort Worth yesterday, and today he got the kids out of the house and let me have a morning nap. I also got to watch a movie called Arranged (highly recommend it. Story of a Muslim and orthodox Jew who become friends). Anyway, as difficult as this waiting time is, I am determined to be grateful. Even as I woke up this morning rather grouchy about the continued state of my pregnancy, I decided that I couldn't REALLY complain too much, as my husband and his family were up with my kids getting them breakfast and letting me sleep a bit longer. Wow. God is good to me, sometimes I just have to make the effort to see it behind the things I think I want.

Today we had a lovely day at the Fort Worth zoo! The kids had a great time, and I was hoping all the walking would put me into labor! :) So far I'm still pregnant, but we made some fun memories! The kids have been outside more in the past week then in the whole past year! I love it. They are having an awesome time at Mimi's in this gorgeous spring weather!

I had to write a bit about the kids. They seem to be changing overnight, and I love it!

I have to say that I love my babies. Infants are so adorable, and I could watch their movements and faces all day! But as the kids get older, I keep thinking about how much I enjoy it more and more! I mean, as their personality comes out, as they communicate more and more, as they do more things and I get to know them more and more, I LOVE IT!

I know that all kids go through a relatively similar development pattern. :) But I just had to share a bit about what the kids are doing right now, for all the family who is so far away! And I am sad that I am missing all these adorably fun moments in my own nieces and nephews lives. God is in control, and all that we give up is for Him!!

Augie is so old now, it seems. He is communicating so much, and understands so much of what we tell him! His first words were "wuh sza?" which is Augie language for "what's that?". He asks it all the time, even if he knows the answer. Typical conversation:

"Wuh sza?" (pointing to Steve)
"Daddy!"
"Da da!" (big nod and smile)

He also says "yah, yah, yah" in a very emphatic voice while nodding his head violently. It. is. adorable. Another typical conversation:

"Augie, do you want water? Tereed mai?" (I try to repeat things in Arabic as well)
"yah, yah, yah, yah!!!" (he is always very emphatic as he does this)

His newest words include "bebe" for belly, "bebe" for his former milk suppliers (he is not nursing but still very interested....), and "bebe" for when Siena goes to potty. I know they sound the same to everyone else, but I know he is saying different things! :) He also says "ssshhhhh" when sister is sleeping, he says "te te" for sister, "bah" for bye, "HAH!" for hi, and his new favorite: "No!" which I think needs no translation.

But that doesn't even begin to cover everything that he does now, he walks around and plays adorably, mixing food in the play kitchen, slurping as he sips fake tea. He asks to color, and recently started coloring on furniture and floors, so is now confined to his high chair for that activity. He loves Charlie and Lola and will often ask for "lolo". How does he even know?!?!?! :D He steals things from his sister and yells loudly when she won't share. And he loves getting tickled and eating any and all food available. And anything not available as well. Also, he loves tea. Like, my hot tea that I drink multiple times a day. He absolutely begs me for it! I have taken to making both of the kids a sippy cup of mint tea every afternoon simply so I can drink mine in peace. But of course it is not quite as attractive as my cup, so we share anyway. :) He chatters to himself and loves peekaboo. And as his mother of course I think it is all adorable! Also, in the last week he started telling me "no" and fussing and stomping his feet when I tell him to do something (like back up from the TV). I know I need to nip it in the bud, and I will, but I still have to turn away and laugh, it is a hoot! How does this little baby even know to do that?! Bahahaha, even his fits are cute! But seriously, he does get in trouble as soon as I can get the smile off my face and be a serious mom. :)

I thought Siena was talking a lot before, but now I realize it was just a taste. And I think it will become even more. She tells us all kinds of things, about movies and places we've been. She has very decided opinions and makes them known! And she is so sweet! She comes into the bathroom while I am putting on makeup, sits on the stool and says "Aya tell you a story" and proceeds to go into a simple but long narrative about bunnies or something. She has started picking out her own clothes, which I try and supervise to give advice, otherwise she comes out in a purple and orange shirt with a green/teal/yellow/pink skirt. Those are her favorites. :) One sad thing is that every time we head home from a friend's house or from Dubai, she says "I don't want to go home!". I don't know why, and it makes me a little sad!! But I think it's because she's rather social and wants to be out where we are having fun! So I have to tell her ahead of time and remind her of all our friends there. That makes it a little easier.

Siena asks me every day, "did you have a baby inside?". I have started to say "do I have a baby inside, Siena?" and then she says "yeah!". She is very excited, especially after I told her that when the new baby comes she can help me change diapers and give lots of hugs and kisses. She likes that idea! She also tells me that tomorrow she will have a baby inside (I love how she doesn't really understand her time frames, like tomorrow, yesterday, etc) and she will see the "miffwhite" and "dotter".

The kids have done so well with all the transition lately. We have out of town guests, stayed in hotel rooms, been out late, missed naps, and everything in between! They have been great troopers. Bribing with pretzel sticks and a princess toy may have helped as well. :) We are also trying to transition Siena into Augie's room for when the new baby comes. We would love to be able to go to our room in the evening and read with the lamp on, instead of sneaking in to get our jammies and climbing noiselessly into bed! It would just be more relaxing. I don't mind her coming in in the morning, it would just be nice to have a sense of being a couple again, at least for a bit before we have a new roommate! :) But with everything going on, we are being very flexible about this and sometimes Siena sleeps on the couch in the living room! So it varies, and that's just where we are right now.

The NEW baby is growing lots and seems very mellow, although 3 times now I have bent over a funny way and have gotten severely reprimanded with a kick in the ribs. It cracks me up! It's like, okay, I can deal with all the craziness, but don't bend over that one way!! We still haven't found out gender, but insha'allah, soon. We have names tentatively picked out, but will probably keep them a secret. The boy name is all family name, and I really like it, but isn't conducive to a nickname. The girl name is kind of a family name, but I am still not 100% on it. Steve loves it though! So we will think about it more when we know which one to focus on! I have been pretty good about exercising with this baby, but fell behind on it with company staying overnight and have suffered for it. I just feel more sore overall, and actually took a Penadol today just because I felt achy. But it's good motivation! Prenatal care has been up in the air and spotty, but I can tell the baby is growing and am planning to go in for an appointment next week. :) I am learning so much about surrender this pregnancy! I thought I learned about it with the last two, but I guess there was more for me to learn. I think because birth is something that I care so much about, I have to be extra careful to surrender it all to God!

Well, this is a long post, but I haven't journaled at all since I found out I was pregnant, so blogging and emails have taken it's place, and writing really helps me process. So forgive the length! If you don't read it all, just know it was as much for my benefit as y'alls! :) To all the far off family out there, I hope you enjoy a little taste of what the kids are up to! Please know that I love every facebook post and pic of my nieces and nephews, I miss them so much and can't wait to squeeze their cheeks when we visit next summer! Love y'all!!